a Problem with success...

As the year turned I have found good mental health can have unexpected consequences. I have been working on my mental health this year with some noticeable success. I love to read and this has resulted in a love of ideas, words and language. While in my heart of hearts I always wanted to write, FEAR (of failure) always prevented me from taking a chance and sharing a part of myself, exposed through the written word. Increasing self-esteem, awareness of my fears and tools for dealing with the negative voices in my head have meant I could now share my thoughts via the written word.

First came a letter to the editor. For years I had read things in the papers and said to myself “I should write” – but never could/did. This past year when I thought “I should write” – I did sitting right down, writing the letter and sending it off. It was published in the paper and that was quite a rush.
After that I found I needed other outlets to speak out or write on. Behold – the Internet was there to provide me a forum. What was going to be a single, simple blog … the movie “The Blob” with its ever growing monster suite both my love of science fiction and the multiplying blogs that followed. I started with a book site for reviews…which added recommendations… then books I was looking forward to the publication of… and thoughts from a Readers viewpoint. As my mental outlook/health improved other site/blogs came into being to reflect different aspects of Self.

It occurred to me last week that I may have been too successful at becoming comfortable in my own skin. When I was afraid/unable to expose any of myself, I was always able to deal with ideas and thoughts that wanted loose through the fact there was no outlet for my words/thoughts. These ideas would bounce around for a few minutes then be forgotten or at least relegated to the back of my mind. Now I have several places to publish different thoughts to the World Wide Web and share my thoughts/words/ideas with others. I also know others are reading my words and finding them of interest thru feedback I receive. My thoughts are no longer confined to my own head.

Ideas now demand that I write them down, expand on them if needed, polish them and then publish them. This process often gives rise to other ideas that demand expression. Refusing to be relegated to the back of my mind the ideas crowd my mind, crowding out other concerns, even actions, until they are expressed on the page (paper or web – although at some point those on paper demand to be published to the web).

I had never before understood the talk of a ‘Muse’. Now there are times my muse is so insistent that everything else must wait until the words are down on the page. It does not matter what – food, shelter, sleep – all other parts of my life await getting the words down. But when my muse is riding me this hard – it feels great. The words flow; thoughts and ideas jostle to be noticed and expressed and time ceases to exist. The pen touches paper and suddenly it is hours latter when finished, I lift the pen.